Rain Shower Review: Hair vs. Warm (Expletive)

A lady should never have to make the choice between well-conditioned hair...and a warm ass.

But that, my female friends, is the decision you must often make with a shiny new rain shower head. It's also why I will never design a bathroom to include one. Ever again.

Here's why:

Today most shower head manufacturers offer some type of rain shower head. The one I used was copper (HERE) to match the exposed plumbing (bad ass).

Rain shower heads seem like an answered prayer to the otherwise unaesthetic shower head of lore that, for most of your life, you were totally fine with.

Not anymore.

Now we can hang our shower heads from the CEILING. The experience, reminiscent of bathing amidst the rain.

But who the hell has ever dreamed of bathing in a RAIN SHOWER?

The last time you actually took a shower - I mean a real one, not defaulting to Day 5 of Dry Shampoo (you nasty) - it was a time-sensitive experience. Rushed. Likely incomplete. Who cares. You're late for work.

I don't know who these skinny broads are in manufacturer ads, leisurely letting the rain shower-esque droplets fall down upon them, but I have a lot of shit to do. And she must have one hell of a utility bill.

When I take a shower I need high water pressure that is one knotch down from waterboarding or aggravated assault. And every woman knows that unless the water is SCALDING hot it is just not quite hot enough. I should feel parboiled when I'm done.

When it comes to water pressure, they're not lying to you, it feels like a heavy rain. Gone is your option to go full throttle and literally beat the shampoo out of your head or get a semi-back massage. This means everything takes that much longer. If you want to imitate nature, well, she doesn't give a damn that you've got somewhere to be.

Now, for temperature.

For some reason, when God was ripping out Adam's ribs to make Eve, he added an otherworldly inability to feel boiling water. Any husband or boyfriend knows this. Our need for fire showers is partially to keep you from thinking you can hop in there with us but largely because the temperature of lava feels just about RIGHT.

Every woman multi-tasks in the shower. So when your head is full of soap or conditioner, you have no choice but to step completely out of your personal boiling rain storm in order to shave/soap/wash face/shower text. Welcome: cold ass.

You are either hunched underneath Niagara or you are not. One or the other. If you actually clean your entire body this is a real pain-in-the-cold-ass.

I fought the contractor hard on installing a separate hand-held shower head area (diagonal from the shower handles below). I'm glad he won that battle because now it's the only one I ever use.

That is, unless I'm feeling fancy.

Which is never.

Hand-helds also suck. While that head is full of conditioner the hand-held either has to reattach to the wall at an awkward angle or height (hello again, cold ass) or I have to throw it over my shoulder while trying to get soap on my toes (hello, cold everywhere else and likely water spray across the entire bathroom).

Aesthetically speaking, rain shower heads are bathroom eye candy. If you are really insecure with your life's achievements you can also get one with bluetooth capability, LED color changing, or one that even prevents hair loss (lol). Have a shower party.

You will pay extra for the look and you may need to outfit your entire bath to accommodate it (but probably not if you get new hardware and get creative). Your bath is likely designed for a wall mount shower head, is it wide enough for Rain Forest loofah time coming from the ceiling?

Logistically and practically, the standard shower head is your every day, no bullshit, real life choice. Fortunately designers are coming out with options beyond Standard Silver. However, when it comes to renovating your bathroom, really think about how you shower, who will be using it most and the degree to which you value your conditioned hair or...a warm ass.

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